For those like me

Today I spent the day crying. The first time crying my heart out in four months, and it feels so much better now. I wish I could have done that for this whole week but I guess I Wasn't ready, part of me wants to do it again just to see how much more of the heavy load on my heart gets off. I think this is the road to recovery. I think I can finally let it out. I didn't cut. Not a single added scar on my arm. There is still a lot of raw emotion inside me that needs to come out, and I know that because I hate being alone, and my conversation skills have still to reach where they were before all this. I'm going to cry again, this time when there is someone around me, my mom, so that I can get my hug and cry. Finally I cried. I don't feel as numb anymore. Maybe this will turn out okay.

I watched Oprah as well, I was never an avid viewer but I have been interested in the last week because it's the final few episodes, and she talked about how she turned to food to stay away from sad feelings. I guess that's like cutting they both harm you and are a way to hide from stress and depression. I guess after 2 attempted suicides and cutting there is no where but up to go from here. Atleast I pray that this is true. My heart goes out to everyone who suffers in this way don't give up.

Lazy Day

My first lazy day. It's been 10 months since the last one. It started off at 12:23 am exactly I got a text from a friend that read, and I quote, "Osama Bin Laden has been killed". Being semi-asleep, I got up and stretched for my phone. It was random, and after a midnight conversation with my friend and a quick run to the tv to see if there were any news channels covering the story this late, I went back to sleep (I don't count CNN as news its more of a propoganda forefront, with sensationalized bullshit, but more on that some other time). At 7:30 in the morning my mom slams my bedroom door open to tell be Osama is dead. Once we got over the billions of dollars and 10 years that it took, I had some breakfast, and watched loads of t.v and the royal wedding highlights which I have no idea why are still being played? I got to watch one tree hill my favorite show, and lots of other shows. Not much really, thought I'd do some writing but I haven't been able to get anything worthwhile.

I thought I'd be able gather my emotions but I can't seem to, I'm just really numb. I can see my scars but that's all. My mind really is blank, had this been May 2010 I would have so much to say about finally finding Osama Bin Laden but now I don't even know if I care as much. I'm emotionally exhausted, and intellectually drained. There's not much more to say It's going to be 5 months since I lost my uncle next week. I guess the fact that I lived with him till I graduated high school makes it odd to think that he isn't here any more. Eventually I will acceptit, I guess my subconcious is just too protective at this point.

State of Affairs

Panic attack day today a couple of days before more exams, dear god. Here's a picture that helps cheer me up.

kNOwn Stranger.

Hey you

hiding behind the candy wrapper

Blood staining the carpet from

your dirty hands

The grimy window sunshine

can't even brighten your image

A cracked mirror

A used cigarette,

the 4 walled dirt floored jail cell.

I can see you now

A broken aluminium piece

behind the trash bin

That I mistook for a diamond

Forgive me my friend, you aren't

who I thought you were

hazy memories

The helicopter that brought us there had crashed early that month. I don't know what happened to the children I first saw. I remember the stray dogs that would stare at us for days on. As if begging for food. How happy we all were to be connected to something as real as a pet. I remember the day that everything started to go hazy in the humidity, and heat. The first time a soldier started mumbling to himself.

I can See the Sun

Yes that's my heart stammering

No that's not my voice beating

It's just a small phase

I pass through everytime I see you

Like a child passing an empty field

Like a bird learning to fly

Like the first time you play on a swing

Like every beautiful unforgetable memory;

The first blossom of spring popping through the snow

The way you feel when no one can see you

dancing in shameless abandon singing along

to a song from the 90s

Like the wise old soul with childish eyes

As if impossible was a word we made up as a joke to fool the world

Just a phase my dear. Just a phase.

Please Marry Me?

Angus Stone.. I am completely and totaly in love. I don't even care if you keep your huge beard. Please marry me.

I love Angus and Julia Stone

Its taking over
I can't breathe
I'm drowning
Oh god please help me
Its over
My hopes and Dreams are shattering
Help me please
Its going and EVERYTHING
is turning black
There is no light
I'm falling into an endless
Hole
Help me/

Sometimes foolishness is Necessary

It's been a long nice day. I built some snowmen and a large snow fort on campus today with some friends. That's right we are that awesome. There was 1 snow man with a cigar, and a snow woman with massive boobs, and TONS of tiny minions. For those of you that haven't heard of U of C we have a massive metal art structure on the biggest hill on campus. It's called the prarie chicken because it was the artist's inspiration. Two of the three "legs" act as a door to our snow fort. Hopefully when I get my blue tooth working I can post some pictures. Until then heres a cute picture.

An (Un)known Prison

Even on a cloudless day
You won't let me live,
I need you
and yet I dare to deny it.
Dear God forgive me,
I am a sinner, washed away on shore
Lost on an unknown island
made out of clouds and chains,
and Hell just a pothole away.
It's killing my soul
Eating at the remenents of purity that remain
Help me find my path
Back to you.
Back to the shelter of your guidance,
Back to hope.

Lights, Camera, Action.

The Nittly Gritty Show business has the old school Gothic Glamour to it. I say this because I'm utterly impatient to watch Water for Elephants, the novel was beautiful and the movie (hopefully) will live up to my expectations. I'm not a fan of Robert Pattinson, I don't know if thats because I hate the Twilight series or if it's cause he can't act. Anyways speaking of acting it's officially been two years since I've been on stage. Two years ago I played the dreaded Stanley Kowalski. I miss my wonderful Stella (Vincent) why are you 14 hours away? We had an amazing drama get together it was so much fun we laughed and Sulty still had our acting evaluations. I didn't even remember but apperently Ms. Lomheim had noticed that I had crossed my legs under the table, which was much too lady-like for Stanley. Ah well, I had fun shouting louder than the average person should. There's a picture in our year book of my and Vincent looking like we're about to gate-crash a cross dressing party. I think Vincent would get a little angry if I published it on the internet so I'll keep it. Here's an amazing picture that fits the context of theater and circus in my mind.

Today I'm smiling
It's not because I've replaced by tear ducts with the scars on my arm
It's not because I'm trying to fake it
It's because of you,
Thank you
For being there and listening
For making me laugh
For being yourself
For that wonderful date I'm really looking forward too.

Thought I'd share some of my favorite things

While We Were Watching Rebecca Black

Watching the news

Airing from Libya.
There were a bunch of men on the screen but one was his eyes wide with fear and dread. On the ground there were about 5
bodies. 5 tiny little bodies. They lifted off the cover of one body, it was his son. He screamed and fell to the ground. He hit the
ground. For a good 10 seconds he screamed and screamed until the screen changed to commercials.
Before, I was able to watch and feel very detached, watch the death shown on the screen from a political percepective. But those screams are familiar, they are the same screams my mom emitted, my grandma let loose, my cousin punched into my brain. The lamest words I can say is I'm sorry. They don't help.

To donate, please follow the link below:

http://www.redcross.ca/article.asp?id=38063&tid=001

In a tiny Glass Bottle

Into the world I come
Breaking free of your chains
The tightly bound clouds.
Into the water too deep to float
Into the water to dense to sink.
The blue all around the small
Disarays of sunlit crystals.

Well behaved women seldom make history.

Its 5 degrees celcius outside, thats right it's bliss for all of us in cowtown. It's sunny and no clouds, the snow's melting and I'm studying bcem. My observation of the day: Massive puddles! and no one is jumping in them. Not a soul. Well except me, but that doesn't count. So here's my logic

People want to be sensible... sensible=mentally healthy=happy. To be happy you NEED to jump in puddles and thus to be sensible you must jump in puddles.

Muahahaha in your face people that gave me strange looks, I'm the sensible one here.

Addiction

The slience beckons me
...come near my child
Into the Darkness
...away from the Light
into a tiny loophole of Happiness
into a world of dread
..come near my child

Innocent Obsession

Your eyes,
they scare me.
The way you look at me,
the intensity of your stare
The sneaky glances,
When you close them,
The way they look down at me when I'm in your arms.
You see deeper than my skin
You hear more than just my heart beats
Your eyes
see more than they should
But I wonder can you see how I freeze up everytime
I see your eyes,
can you see my breathlessness
Can your eyes see that I grow more and more crazy
with every word, with every touch.
More and more lost without you
more and more addicted to you.

In today's news.

6:30 in the morning, in the car listening to radio

and the droning apathatic voice said "Thousands of bodies washed up on the shore"
..."And now for our main story how this earthquake will affect oil prices"

well so much for a morning filled with human goodness.

Well my hopes and prayers are with the people of Japan and all those affected.. a little less with those affected with just oil prices, but you know what I mean.

This one is for Stephan, cause Jesus is on your side

and then I floated down from the clouds
To you,
To see the glistening tears you presented me with.

little lies

It took a while to open my eyes to look around at my kidnappers face.
Gruffy, tall, and a cigar in his mouth. Smoke billowing. Black eyes.
It was hot, I could feel a small breeze playing down my back from a small window some 6 feet above me. It was the only window in the room. I looked around at the cement walls and floors.. if I don't look at him, maybe this will be a nightmare...
Flashes. Thats it.
Eventually I heard the corporal's voice. Eventually I found myself home.

Impossible... bitch please

Moody behaviour and here I am on the internet. but I found something ridiculously amazing! HELLO FLYING HOUSE!!!

On March 5, 2011 National Geographic put together a group of experts to launch a real house into the air propelled by balloons just like the movie UP!

I get it I'm immature, but UP was such a cute movie, and this is some amazing stuff. Apparantly the house stayed up for 1 hour.

Because you can't catch me

Unpublished letters

Dear sister,

I hear you. I hear it when you complain about them. I get it their old, and they said stuff they shouldn't have. I get it. You lost your dad. You don't know what to do.

Dear Mother,

Yelling about what sister is saying to grandma won't help. Let it go. They have to deal with this by themselves, its going to take longer.. I know your just trying to keep his spirit alive but ma your brother is dead.


Dear Random Strangers,

If you want to come to my house 3 months after he died to give condolences. Suck it. Leave us the fuck alone. Your not helping.

I really like this dress it's out of a new Turini runway show, for Spring 2011.

I love Harry Potter and I found some pretty funny pictures =P. I'll add some more later.

Happy Cheesy Pick Up Line day

So this morning I got an amazing text saying that I am to send a cheesy pick up line to all of my contacts, "to make their day"
The one I sent: So I brought my library card can I check you out?
Mine was pretty lame but over the day I got some pretty awesome ones:
1)Are you an alien?
Cause you just abducted my heart?
2)Nice pants can I test the zipper?
3)What has 142 Teeth and hides THE HULK?
My zipper
4) (ok this one is slightly creepy) Do you smell cholorform on this rag?
5)How about me and you make a miracle on 34th street?
6) You got more curves than a bottle of Coke
7)You dropped something...my jaw
8)Your daddy must be a baker because you got a nice set of buns
9)Can my y=mx+b lie tangent to your parabolas?
10)Did you just fart?
Cause you just blew me away
11) If I was an enzyme I would be DNA helicase so that I could unzip your genes.
12) Are you lost becuase its a long way from heaven
13)Do you know karate? Because your body's really kickin'

Your not so smooth

You think your a lady's man but your not as suave as you think. Your so funny thinking that someone would like to be with you forever. Don't get me wrong but why would someone actually want to spend their entire life.. with 1 person. 1 single person. Honey if you think I'm a princess that is waiting for that one person, we have an issue. I'm a free bird and I do as I please.
Haha oh darling your so sweet and innocent.

You better hide your kids, hide your wife... Hide your husband too

I was watching American Idol a couple of days back and I realized that it was the most dramatic and cheesy show ever. No jokes, JLo started crying, there was the vocal coach from "HELL" and of course Ryan Seacrest. Actually for the last week I have been watching some really crappy t.v. No good movies, and if you don't believe me Jersey Shore was the epitome of exictment this week. Yeah its that bad.
But while I was bored out of my pants, a whole lot more happened on the other side of the world, the middle east is heated yet again as everyone knows. In Libiya. And don't get me wrong I love revolution just as much as the next person, but is it not odd that it's all happening right now. First Egypt then Libya, and there are rumours that mass public might try to revolt in Iran again, and a virgin Yemen might see some action too. Gaddafi, last week has been rumoured to be shot. It's worse because the places that are covering the news cover their headline by saying the price of crude oil has gone up .... and by the way the old man might be dead.
Gaddafi isn't dead.
I hate to be the pessimist, but I feel like since the fall of Suddam Hussien which a lot of people thought was a revolt, and something great for the country, it was taken over by religious fundamentalists. While Egpyt and Libya try to fight off tyrants, they might just do what Afghanistan did and throw power at those who shouldn't be in power. I guess we just have to wait and watch.
In the mean time anyone who is reading please have a minute of silence for the two protesters killed by police yesterday.

Jump for Joy

This is Epic

I lhoavtee you

When I look at you I find those secluded hours in the tiny corners, where we'd hide, trying to stay away from prying eyes. Where you'd whisper that you love me, and give me little reasons to smile. When you stare I remember that first day, where my immature mind told me that this was real. I remember the way you were shy, and quiet. The way you would turn your walk into a swagger. I remember when you told me you loved me, how we were floating in immeasurable bliss.

When I look at you I remember that day that I sat there crying and you walked past, it wasn't your fault, but you could have said hello. When I look at you I remember how you made it clear that you were ignoring me. When I look at you I start to hate you. I start to hate myself for wanting you to talk to me again. All I wanted was a "hello". It would have meant the world.

So when you look at me and I refuse to look your way think about that. It was over more than 4 years ago. Why can't we move on?

Birthday Blues

I waited by the phone this morning,it was really early and the call didn't come. I knew it wasn't going to come but I feel one step closer to accepting life as it is now. I spent the day in a dress =O yeah, I know. But I need to move on. It's healthy right? I met up with some friends, I got a beautiful necklace,it's old fashioned with a heart locket that opens up and it has my uncle's picture in it, so a big thank you to my friends Navi, and Manni. Thank you it is above and beyond any birthday gift I have ever recieved. Today I talked about my cuts. They talked to me about my cuts, and it made my journey to recovery much easier. Navi, manni, I love you guys so much, and I'm glad you understand just how much I need you guys right now. Thank you for all the support and I hope that soon enough this phase will pass.
Then I went to downtown hung out with a friend (thank you Harjot for standing my boring company) and met up with my cousins, the people I love so very much. They treated me to a delicious lunch at Moxies, and now here I am back at campus.
Today I was and am going to be with the people I love the most, thank you for understanding how difficult today is going to be for me.

A Sweet Dream

If I could I would hold you,
Keep you warm, until your stuborn tears came streaming out in rivers,
Until the heavy oceans of grief came pouring out.
If I could I would kiss away the tears,
I would cradle you in my arms, and trace your scars,
Until you could see what I see,
When I look at you.
I love you.

The Bow

The origins of the bow river. Oh mountains how I miss thee.

"I dont need Obama, I dont need Clinton, I will free Egypt with my mom and dad" - Young Child at Tahrir Square.

It took 18 days of protest to remove a president of 31 years
Congratualtions Egypt, today you made history and proved that revolution can still happen. Here's hoping for a free, diverse, and prosperous Egypt.

Truth is... I cut.
Truth is.... I scream.
Truth is.... I cry until I lose consciousness.
Truth is .... you don't want to hear this.
Truth is.....you act oblvious to my tears
Truth is.......you go quiet and akward every time I need you
Truth is....... its going to be ok. I'm going to stop cutting, the wounds will heal. There will be scars.
Truth is....I'm lying when I say I need you. I don't
I need myself. I need my family. I need God.
This whole time I thought He wasn't there
Angry with the turn of events.
Futily trying to every path to find peace.
He exists.
In every smile, in every breath, in every act of kindness.
I'm going to get help.
I'm afraid one day your going to need it too.
Good-bye my love. It's time to grow up.

One of my new favorites

I Miss You

I miss your smile and your laugh. The way you yelled at me, the way you encouraged me. I miss your presence. I miss you. I miss the way you stood tall. I miss the way you made everyone laugh. I miss being able to look at you and know everything is going to be ok. I can't believe you left. It's hitting home now, and I'm not ready to accept it.

How could you have left me?

All alone.

I miss the way you called me nicknames. I miss the way you sang sukoo sukoo.

I miss your love, your anger, your guidance.

How am I supposed to deal with this?

Evolution

Protesters standing united.

Chirstians protecting praying muslims

Dreams

These three months have been the longest of my life. I desperatly want to leave the city. Take me back to the mountains, please. I caught my annual cold today its gross. I wanted so bad to go out to Banff, but it looks like I won't be able to go until the weather gets better. Or even to that place in my long forgotten dreams... Venice. The piture of the water is Maligne Canyon an amazing hike, and of course there's Venice. Bloody Gorgeous.

Leaving Home.

For a long time I wanted to know what my ancestry is like my parents were born in India, but raised here. People would often critisize us for not being "brown enough". I didn't understand. So I got myself an Indian penpal to try to see the Indian perspective and I talked him today. He currently lives in India, and he wants to come to Canada or the States. Don't get me wrong I love Canada with a passion I can't explain its my home, my life, my pride, the place I was born, where my parents grew up where I grew up, and I could go on forever. But my penpal doesn't have that kind attachment to India, which I found strange. Canadians are notoriously famous for our lack of nationalism, and I honestly thought Indians had a lot more nationalism than us. I mean, I think after seeing so many bollywood musicals I would expect for him to have more nationalism then me.(Obviosly I'm stupid if I'm basing something on a musical but eh? it was a subconscious idea). I guess not. He says he wants to be a "big man" which I assume means that he wants to earn big money interpreting from his letter.

I wonder what it is that draws Indians to immigate?

Is it the New World dream to come and economically prosper?

He has so many servants, a house that triples the size of mine, his parents own a business that other people run, whats more economically prosperous than that? And there are BILLIONS of consumers.

I'm not a business expert but if he can manage to start up and launch a business in India thats a huge market. Yes I know I'm a science major so I should shut up and focus on what I know.

I know that India is amazingly exotic and has great history, I know that it has corruption and poverty too. I know that Canada is accepting, and I know that there are faults in our judicial system, and that disparity is on the rise. But at the end of the day I want to help make this world a better place because thats it, the first trait that UNICEF discovered about Canada. Globalization is our culture.

So what is it about Indian culture that drives people to leave the country? Or tells them that life is easier over here than it is in India?

Letter's to God. From my brother.

Dear God,

My name is Sean and I am 9 years old. I wanted to know where you live? and what are your hobbies? I am very eager to know how old you are? How did you create Earth and the rest of the universe? Please answer so that my sister believes that your there.

Thank you,

Sean

PS (is there a lot of video games where your from, I'm really good at Black Ops)

Winter fairytale- we had 25cm+ of snow!

Then he looked to my empty hand and said without your wand you can't do anything. I laughed and said my wand is like my right hand. Even if I didn't have it I would exist and thus so would my magic. He scoffed, and I began to fly straight up into the air my arms waving creating thousands of sparkling flakes around me. The snow fell and fell. I looked down and smiled.

I exist.