For those like me

Today I spent the day crying. The first time crying my heart out in four months, and it feels so much better now. I wish I could have done that for this whole week but I guess I Wasn't ready, part of me wants to do it again just to see how much more of the heavy load on my heart gets off. I think this is the road to recovery. I think I can finally let it out. I didn't cut. Not a single added scar on my arm. There is still a lot of raw emotion inside me that needs to come out, and I know that because I hate being alone, and my conversation skills have still to reach where they were before all this. I'm going to cry again, this time when there is someone around me, my mom, so that I can get my hug and cry. Finally I cried. I don't feel as numb anymore. Maybe this will turn out okay.

I watched Oprah as well, I was never an avid viewer but I have been interested in the last week because it's the final few episodes, and she talked about how she turned to food to stay away from sad feelings. I guess that's like cutting they both harm you and are a way to hide from stress and depression. I guess after 2 attempted suicides and cutting there is no where but up to go from here. Atleast I pray that this is true. My heart goes out to everyone who suffers in this way don't give up.

Lazy Day

My first lazy day. It's been 10 months since the last one. It started off at 12:23 am exactly I got a text from a friend that read, and I quote, "Osama Bin Laden has been killed". Being semi-asleep, I got up and stretched for my phone. It was random, and after a midnight conversation with my friend and a quick run to the tv to see if there were any news channels covering the story this late, I went back to sleep (I don't count CNN as news its more of a propoganda forefront, with sensationalized bullshit, but more on that some other time). At 7:30 in the morning my mom slams my bedroom door open to tell be Osama is dead. Once we got over the billions of dollars and 10 years that it took, I had some breakfast, and watched loads of t.v and the royal wedding highlights which I have no idea why are still being played? I got to watch one tree hill my favorite show, and lots of other shows. Not much really, thought I'd do some writing but I haven't been able to get anything worthwhile.

I thought I'd be able gather my emotions but I can't seem to, I'm just really numb. I can see my scars but that's all. My mind really is blank, had this been May 2010 I would have so much to say about finally finding Osama Bin Laden but now I don't even know if I care as much. I'm emotionally exhausted, and intellectually drained. There's not much more to say It's going to be 5 months since I lost my uncle next week. I guess the fact that I lived with him till I graduated high school makes it odd to think that he isn't here any more. Eventually I will acceptit, I guess my subconcious is just too protective at this point.