For those like me

Today I spent the day crying. The first time crying my heart out in four months, and it feels so much better now. I wish I could have done that for this whole week but I guess I Wasn't ready, part of me wants to do it again just to see how much more of the heavy load on my heart gets off. I think this is the road to recovery. I think I can finally let it out. I didn't cut. Not a single added scar on my arm. There is still a lot of raw emotion inside me that needs to come out, and I know that because I hate being alone, and my conversation skills have still to reach where they were before all this. I'm going to cry again, this time when there is someone around me, my mom, so that I can get my hug and cry. Finally I cried. I don't feel as numb anymore. Maybe this will turn out okay.

I watched Oprah as well, I was never an avid viewer but I have been interested in the last week because it's the final few episodes, and she talked about how she turned to food to stay away from sad feelings. I guess that's like cutting they both harm you and are a way to hide from stress and depression. I guess after 2 attempted suicides and cutting there is no where but up to go from here. Atleast I pray that this is true. My heart goes out to everyone who suffers in this way don't give up.

Lazy Day

My first lazy day. It's been 10 months since the last one. It started off at 12:23 am exactly I got a text from a friend that read, and I quote, "Osama Bin Laden has been killed". Being semi-asleep, I got up and stretched for my phone. It was random, and after a midnight conversation with my friend and a quick run to the tv to see if there were any news channels covering the story this late, I went back to sleep (I don't count CNN as news its more of a propoganda forefront, with sensationalized bullshit, but more on that some other time). At 7:30 in the morning my mom slams my bedroom door open to tell be Osama is dead. Once we got over the billions of dollars and 10 years that it took, I had some breakfast, and watched loads of t.v and the royal wedding highlights which I have no idea why are still being played? I got to watch one tree hill my favorite show, and lots of other shows. Not much really, thought I'd do some writing but I haven't been able to get anything worthwhile.

I thought I'd be able gather my emotions but I can't seem to, I'm just really numb. I can see my scars but that's all. My mind really is blank, had this been May 2010 I would have so much to say about finally finding Osama Bin Laden but now I don't even know if I care as much. I'm emotionally exhausted, and intellectually drained. There's not much more to say It's going to be 5 months since I lost my uncle next week. I guess the fact that I lived with him till I graduated high school makes it odd to think that he isn't here any more. Eventually I will acceptit, I guess my subconcious is just too protective at this point.

State of Affairs

Panic attack day today a couple of days before more exams, dear god. Here's a picture that helps cheer me up.

kNOwn Stranger.

Hey you

hiding behind the candy wrapper

Blood staining the carpet from

your dirty hands

The grimy window sunshine

can't even brighten your image

A cracked mirror

A used cigarette,

the 4 walled dirt floored jail cell.

I can see you now

A broken aluminium piece

behind the trash bin

That I mistook for a diamond

Forgive me my friend, you aren't

who I thought you were

hazy memories

The helicopter that brought us there had crashed early that month. I don't know what happened to the children I first saw. I remember the stray dogs that would stare at us for days on. As if begging for food. How happy we all were to be connected to something as real as a pet. I remember the day that everything started to go hazy in the humidity, and heat. The first time a soldier started mumbling to himself.

I can See the Sun

Yes that's my heart stammering

No that's not my voice beating

It's just a small phase

I pass through everytime I see you

Like a child passing an empty field

Like a bird learning to fly

Like the first time you play on a swing

Like every beautiful unforgetable memory;

The first blossom of spring popping through the snow

The way you feel when no one can see you

dancing in shameless abandon singing along

to a song from the 90s

Like the wise old soul with childish eyes

As if impossible was a word we made up as a joke to fool the world

Just a phase my dear. Just a phase.

Please Marry Me?

Angus Stone.. I am completely and totaly in love. I don't even care if you keep your huge beard. Please marry me.

I love Angus and Julia Stone

Its taking over
I can't breathe
I'm drowning
Oh god please help me
Its over
My hopes and Dreams are shattering
Help me please
Its going and EVERYTHING
is turning black
There is no light
I'm falling into an endless
Hole
Help me/

Sometimes foolishness is Necessary

It's been a long nice day. I built some snowmen and a large snow fort on campus today with some friends. That's right we are that awesome. There was 1 snow man with a cigar, and a snow woman with massive boobs, and TONS of tiny minions. For those of you that haven't heard of U of C we have a massive metal art structure on the biggest hill on campus. It's called the prarie chicken because it was the artist's inspiration. Two of the three "legs" act as a door to our snow fort. Hopefully when I get my blue tooth working I can post some pictures. Until then heres a cute picture.

An (Un)known Prison

Even on a cloudless day
You won't let me live,
I need you
and yet I dare to deny it.
Dear God forgive me,
I am a sinner, washed away on shore
Lost on an unknown island
made out of clouds and chains,
and Hell just a pothole away.
It's killing my soul
Eating at the remenents of purity that remain
Help me find my path
Back to you.
Back to the shelter of your guidance,
Back to hope.

Lights, Camera, Action.

The Nittly Gritty Show business has the old school Gothic Glamour to it. I say this because I'm utterly impatient to watch Water for Elephants, the novel was beautiful and the movie (hopefully) will live up to my expectations. I'm not a fan of Robert Pattinson, I don't know if thats because I hate the Twilight series or if it's cause he can't act. Anyways speaking of acting it's officially been two years since I've been on stage. Two years ago I played the dreaded Stanley Kowalski. I miss my wonderful Stella (Vincent) why are you 14 hours away? We had an amazing drama get together it was so much fun we laughed and Sulty still had our acting evaluations. I didn't even remember but apperently Ms. Lomheim had noticed that I had crossed my legs under the table, which was much too lady-like for Stanley. Ah well, I had fun shouting louder than the average person should. There's a picture in our year book of my and Vincent looking like we're about to gate-crash a cross dressing party. I think Vincent would get a little angry if I published it on the internet so I'll keep it. Here's an amazing picture that fits the context of theater and circus in my mind.

Today I'm smiling
It's not because I've replaced by tear ducts with the scars on my arm
It's not because I'm trying to fake it
It's because of you,
Thank you
For being there and listening
For making me laugh
For being yourself
For that wonderful date I'm really looking forward too.

Thought I'd share some of my favorite things

While We Were Watching Rebecca Black

Watching the news

Airing from Libya.
There were a bunch of men on the screen but one was his eyes wide with fear and dread. On the ground there were about 5
bodies. 5 tiny little bodies. They lifted off the cover of one body, it was his son. He screamed and fell to the ground. He hit the
ground. For a good 10 seconds he screamed and screamed until the screen changed to commercials.
Before, I was able to watch and feel very detached, watch the death shown on the screen from a political percepective. But those screams are familiar, they are the same screams my mom emitted, my grandma let loose, my cousin punched into my brain. The lamest words I can say is I'm sorry. They don't help.

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In a tiny Glass Bottle

Into the world I come
Breaking free of your chains
The tightly bound clouds.
Into the water too deep to float
Into the water to dense to sink.
The blue all around the small
Disarays of sunlit crystals.

Well behaved women seldom make history.

Its 5 degrees celcius outside, thats right it's bliss for all of us in cowtown. It's sunny and no clouds, the snow's melting and I'm studying bcem. My observation of the day: Massive puddles! and no one is jumping in them. Not a soul. Well except me, but that doesn't count. So here's my logic

People want to be sensible... sensible=mentally healthy=happy. To be happy you NEED to jump in puddles and thus to be sensible you must jump in puddles.

Muahahaha in your face people that gave me strange looks, I'm the sensible one here.

Addiction

The slience beckons me
...come near my child
Into the Darkness
...away from the Light
into a tiny loophole of Happiness
into a world of dread
..come near my child

Innocent Obsession

Your eyes,
they scare me.
The way you look at me,
the intensity of your stare
The sneaky glances,
When you close them,
The way they look down at me when I'm in your arms.
You see deeper than my skin
You hear more than just my heart beats
Your eyes
see more than they should
But I wonder can you see how I freeze up everytime
I see your eyes,
can you see my breathlessness
Can your eyes see that I grow more and more crazy
with every word, with every touch.
More and more lost without you
more and more addicted to you.

In today's news.

6:30 in the morning, in the car listening to radio

and the droning apathatic voice said "Thousands of bodies washed up on the shore"
..."And now for our main story how this earthquake will affect oil prices"

well so much for a morning filled with human goodness.

Well my hopes and prayers are with the people of Japan and all those affected.. a little less with those affected with just oil prices, but you know what I mean.