My expose

So here I sit writing once again, I lost my uncle. My dear, dear uncle. I used to live at his house until last year when I went off to university trying to live out my dreams. I wish I could explain just how much he means to me. I guess I should give some examples to clarify. Being a girl my grandparents didn't really like me. I'm a girl, and god forbid their son have a daughter. My uncle took me in with open arms at the age of 1. He knew how longingly I had looked at my grandparents when they shunned me into my parents bedroom. He knew how much I hated myself for being a girl. Often times in elementary we had these assemblies and performances. Rarely were my parents able to make it, and my little 6 year old heart would break. But then I'd look into the crowd and see his face smiling up at me. Encouraging me. After a couple of years my sister and brother were born. I love them so much. My sister became daddy's little girl, and my brother became my mom's spoiled son. My parents would always say who their favorite children are. It's not that they don't love me, I guess too much happened with my grandparents that parts of them just couldn't make me their favorite. It was ok though because I had my uncle, his wife and kids. I would laugh and say make them your favorites I still have two families. He was a drug addict, it would kill me inside to see him leave for weeks or days on end and we wouldn't know where he went. I hated him then, I hated him for making his children wait outside of school. I hated it when I lost one of my cousins and he couldn't come to his house. I hated it when he didn't know what he was saying high off of god know what. But in my heart I knew I could never hate him, I was angry and young, and yet I could never bring myself to say anything to him. He was like my second dad after all. Finally after a back surgery things declined for him. Doctors would prescribe ridiculous pain killers and he would OD on them. His health deteriorated and us, his family did nothing but tell him to stop taking drugs, we didn't understand that he was in pain. Never believed it when he said he thinks he's going to die young. I love him with my heart and soul. He took me in when a lot of people had turned their backs on me. No one will ever realize what I lost and I see that now when people ask me why I wasn't at work, or why I deferred exams. When I tell them, they kind of shrug it off as if to say well it was only your uncle. Can't you see that this smile is fake? That when I go silent I need you to hold my hand? You think I'm ok? I'm not every second I remember trying to resuscitate him after the paramedics said he's dead. I hear his mother's wails, I hear my mom, his sister's screams after they took him away. I hear his daughter's repeated call of "daddy" thinking if I say it once more he'll wake up. I hear his brother yelling and crying like a mad man. I see his son staring at me as if asking me if it's true. I see his father a lt. colonel who has never lost a war stand forever defeated. Now when my parents tell me who their favorite children are I can't laugh. I miss him. Please try to understand that.